On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
