I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
