He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
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