Are we in a gay sports bar?
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
Randomize
