i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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