Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
