just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Randomize
