Do you still have your period?
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
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