you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
Randomize
