You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
Randomize
