I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
Randomize
