Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
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