I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Randomize
