just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Randomize
