im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Randomize
