I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
do guys with small dicks even attempt to pursue romantic relationships?
I JUST WANT SOMEBODY TO EXPLAIN HOW FORESKIN WORKS AND DO NOT UNDERSTAND WHY THIS IS A PROBLEM.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
