you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
Randomize
