he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
there is puke in my bra ... again
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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