you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
