awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
He told me they were just razor bumps!
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
