Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Randomize
