turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
