tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
There r osticjed everywhere
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
