I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
