you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
that is very illegal...i love you.
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
