A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
