You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
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