just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
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