i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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