i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
it glows. i had to have it.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
