Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Randomize
