A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
