You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Randomize
