Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
