I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
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