So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
