I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Randomize
