I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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