did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
it's great music for shaving your balls
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
Randomize
