nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
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