I haven't been this sober since birth.
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
Randomize
