grandma shit on top of the toilet
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Randomize
