ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Randomize
