Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
