Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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