I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
whatever happens this semester dont let me be that girl yacking in the urinal. again.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
Randomize
