I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Randomize
