I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Randomize
