Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
I will be naked everywhere
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Randomize