apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
