I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
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