I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
Randomize
