my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
Randomize
