I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
